Review: “Ted”

Make no mistake: Ted, the new buddy comedy written and directed by Family Guy and American Dad creator Seth McFarlane earns its R-rating.

Oh boy, does it earn it.

I’ll put it to you this way: if you don’t have a taste for profanity, don’t like to witness drug use, and don’t even like the hint of sex in movies, Ted is not for you. And not only would I suggest avoiding this movie, but avoiding any movies showing in a theater adjacent to one showing Ted. Yes, it’s THAT outrageously, relentlessly crude.

There. Now that everyone who probably would hate the movie anyway has stopped reading this and moved on to something else on the internet, I can address the rest of you who don’t mind a little filth in your film by simply saying: You’re going to love this movie.

Ted has a very simple premise behind it: When he was 8-years-old, John Bennett (played as an adult by Mark Wahlberg) made a wish that his teddy bear was really alive so that they could be best friends forever, and that wish miraculously came true. Flash-forward twenty-seven years, and John is your typical thirty-something Bostonian, perhaps a little lacking in ambition career-wise but blessed to be dating the beautiful and incredibly tolerant and understanding Lori (Mila Kunis), who loves John dearly but is ready after four years together for their relationship to take another step. The problem? Well, they’re still living with Ted, the teddy bear (voiced by Seth McFarlane), who now enjoys nothing more than spending afternoons sitting on Lori’s couch taking bong hits with John and partying with hookers. He’s Stifler from the American Pie movies in plush doll form: unabashedly inappropriate, pathologically sex-obsessed, hilariously hedonistic, and furry. He’s the frat buddy you always laugh and tell stories about, the one that always got you in trouble with anyone in your life who expected you to be responsible.

All this might still be hilarious, if a bit familiar, if Ted were human. The fact that he’s a cuddly teddy bear puts the movie over the top in terms of hilarity, and amazingly, it never, ever gets old.

Ted is Seth McFarlane’s directorial debut for a live-action feature, and since he’s directing from a screenplay he co-wrote with his Family Guy cohorts Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild, the resulting film features many of the same stylistic touches that you’d find in a Family Guy episode. The abundant pop culture references (including one to Family Guy), the abrupt cuts during dialogue scenes to brief flashbacks or parodied scenes from ’80s movies…it’s all here. So if you’re already a fan of McFarlane’s TV work, there’s simply no chance you won’t enjoy this.

But what’s really surprising, and a testament to McFarlane as a comedic writer, is that even if you have no knowledge of pop culture whatsoever, or you’ve never seen Star Wars or the ’80s cult classic Flash Gordon or a single episode of Family Guy or American Dad, chances are you’re still going to enjoy Ted. Yes, it’s outrageous in its impropriety, but it also speaks to something very real about the experiences of young men and women today. Guys will recognize in Ted the best friend they had in grade school/high school/college. The guy they had so many good times with once upon a time that maybe they lost touch with after college or after they got married. Women, on the other hand, will perhaps see in John the boyfriend or spouse who was a manchild when they met, who did or maybe did not grow up in the course of their relationship. You may never have imagined you’d see a teddy bear doing the things that Ted does, but you’ve seen this story play out in real life, either in your own life or that of someone you know. It’s about growing up, about childhood friendships and adult relationships, and thus it has more heart than we might ever have expected from a film like this. Believe it or not, that makes Ted a date movie. Maybe not a Sunday-matinee-after-church kind of date movie, but a date movie nonetheless.

The film’s cast are all likable and believable in their roles, even Mila Kunis as the “slacker’s dream girl”, the girl who looks like a runway model, swears like a sailor, and loves you even though you work in a dead-end job for an hourly wage. Watch for a few hilarious cameos of the kind where you can almost hear McFarlane saying to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could actually get so-and-so … oh wait, I can!” But it’s Ted that’s really the star here, as it should be. You’ll wish you could invite him to your next party, too, assuming you’re well insured.

Score: 4 out of 5

Ted
Starring Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth McFarlane, Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi, and directed by Seth McFarlane.
Running Time: 106 minutes
Rated R For crude and sexual content, pervasive language, and some drug use.